I just had my first reiki session.

I didn’t know much about it, but I know it’s a meditation technique from Japan.

It was a free session, so I came in with zero expectations. But I ended up crying so so much. My head hurts, my heart hurts, my feet hurt.

I realized I never properly thanked myself. We were asked to imagine us seeing our bodies doing the reiki session (laying flat on our backs), but I ended up transporting myself to seeing my 23-year-old self. Crying alone in the corner of my Tokyo apartment. Wanting to just disappear.

It was almost like a routine. Rushing home after school, just to cry. It was depression, far before I realized what it was.

The teacher told us that the parts of our bodies that hurt are the parts that need attention. I think too much, I feel too much, I walk a lot. Which is why my head, my heart, and my legs hurt.

I cried, I said thank you to my body, thank you for being strong enough to hold my soul that thinks too much, that feels too much. Thank you for the legs I use to run, walk, and explore all parts of the world that I can reach. They never complain, but today they hurt. My heart still hurts while I’m typing this.

There was a song, almost like a chant saying “I love you”, and it wasn’t for anyone else, it was a song for myself. We were asked to hug ourselves, and I already did even before I was told to do so.

All the issues in life I have now seem so little for a moment there, I have me, and I will always have me. Even when I feel low, I know that future me is okay. Just like me saying to my 23-year-old self, everything is good now, Alika. Life is okay.