But at the same time, I realize I have been doing new things so it makes sense that I feel overwhelmed

I am in a new environment

I am in a new mental state

There are numerous things that I’m not familiar with

I hate that I keep making mistakes each day

I hate not knowing exactly what I’m capable of

I hate shutting up

But it feels like the wires in my brain just want to stay like that

And I feel like I can’t ask for help

And that’s okay

The love I give isn’t always equal to the love I receive

It’s something that I thought I understood

But I was lying to myself cause underneath it all

I was craving for more

I want to appreciate all the love that comes my way, genuinely

What is easy and infinite for me to give isn’t always the same to others

They’re also trying their best

That doesn’t mean they love me any less

I look for the signs
I push and pull countless times
My thoughts are getting hazier day by day
I really want to look away
I silence my thoughts
And with fearless steps
I go further

I remember thinking I don’t have women I look up to

I see my friends having women as idols, adoring them, liking what they wear, posting them on their Instagram stories just like me posting any celebrity I’m into (Mark Lee🤦🏻‍♀️)

My friends have favorite women YouTubers

Women singers

Women…

With wide-open arms
Free of judgment

I long to be held again
The warmth radiating through my body
My guards, let down

I long for the day where the skies become clear again
A day where I can run with no direction

I miss home
And for now, I can only hope

How do you dismiss intrusive thoughts?

A directionless helpless rage

A ball of flame

Bouncing from one side to the other

There must be a way to handle it

A way to put out the fire

I used to scream

But I no longer do

I used to isolate myself

But I no longer do

Like a lit candle

I’ll wait for the wind to deal with it

It’s uncomfortable

But that’s the only way I grow

They didn’t even ask me to
I’ve put them so high
To the point that my happiness depends on them

A person is just a person
They didn’t ask for this
It’s not their fault
I didn’t even know what I was looking for

Was it stability?
Was it loyalty?

All I know is that
If I was able to pour out that much of myself to another person
I should be able to pour out that much of myself, to myself

I’m still figuring it out
I’m much better than before though

Some days I stand tall, confident
Some days I want to run
I want to reach the finish line as fast as I can
I’m not even sure where it is and what is there

How do you find the balance?
How do you know when to stop?
How do you know when it’s worth it?

The doubts will always be there
I’ll treat them as guides
It’s my choice if I want to engage with them

I’ve been patient before
And I’m going to continue to do so
It’s surprising what life gives you when you’re patient

notesfrom204

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